Zombies at the Bar Mitzvah: a novella Read online

  “Well, it’s kind of deafening, Pops.”

  “What?” said Grandpa.

  “Never mind, Pops.”

  “Do you think we’ll make it?” asked Laura.

  “I don’t know,” I said.

  “Way to cheer her up, bro.”

  I made a face.

  “That suggestion box is still open, son. In fact, now would be a good time to toss an idea in.”

  Zombie parts flew into the air all around us. The soldiers were going crazy, shooting the heck out of anything. Col. Elkins had to yell at a few to hold their fire because they almost shot us. Some soldiers just ran for it. This one guy blazed past us yelling, “I gotta go check on my mama,” and handed me his machine gun, which Dad promptly took away from me. I was, I have to admit, ready to use it. It would’ve been cool.

  “When you’re older,” he said, and handed it to the colonel.

  “Fast thinking. Thanks.”

  “What’s the plan now?”

  “Well, the whole town is being overrun. We’re going to have to run for it like everybody else.”

  “Wait, I have an idea.”

  Dad reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. They were not the keys to his car.

  JACK BE NIMBLE JACK BE QUICK

  Dad went running through the parking lot. He knew where he was going, knew what had to be done.

  “You stole the rabbi’s keys?” asked Mom. She saw that he had. It was more of rhetorical statement. She began to pray to herself.

  I cared less about that, and more about that thing we were going to be riding in. Dad chose this car over our own because it would hold all of us. Otherwise someone would get left behind. Plus, the rabbi had a better parking spot than we did. It was closer.

  He fumbled with the keys as he got them in the door.

  A moment later we were speeding down the street in a winnabego that smelled of stale cardboard. All of us were crammed inside.

  All of us.

  The colonel kept glancing out the window with his face pressed against the glass. I guess he wasn’t used to non-military vehicles.

  I DAY DREAM ABOUT HOW THE COLONEL LOST HIS EYE

  Col. Elkins was about my age. He had sandy-brown hair and a very innocent face. He was out with his older brother in the yard behind their house, which abutted a nearby country club golf course. They were collecting golf balls that had been whacked onto their lawn. There was a ridge of pine tress that their property shared with the golf course. His older brother urged him forward. They were going to spy on the old folks that were in the middle of a golf game. They had just pulled up in their golf cart. There were three of them. They were looking for the ball.

  His brother motioned to him. They had extra balls. Col. Elkins took the bait and chucked a ball onto the golf course when the old men weren’t looking. His brother also threw a ball.

  When the men saw the multiple golf balls at the hole, they began to scratch their heads and then cursed up a storm.

  “You gotta be kidding me!” said the shortest of the three.

  “Wot the hell!” said the middle-sized one. “I got money riding on this game!”

  “Who left this course such a mess?” said the tallest one.

  Col. Elkins and his brother could hardly keep a straight face. His brother ran for it and made noise as he was running. He surprised Col. Elkins who froze because he didn’t want to draw attention.

  But it was too late the old men saw him in the trees.

  “Look! It’s a flippin kid!”

  “You gotta be kidding me!”

  “I’ll give him what for.”

  The old man teed up and socked the ball. It went screaming right towards Col. Elkins’s face.

  THE CONFESSION

  While we made our way down the street, with cars bursting into flames around us, Col. Elkins unfurled a map and began shouting out directions. Dad drove us around in circles occasionally hitting a zombie. “Did you see that one, son?” he said. On another occasion, after ramming one into a tree, “Ohh, bet that had to hurt.” Driving over one, he said, “How come they don’t make a crunch? They should. Insects do when you squash them. Zombies are much bigger. There should be a huge crunch.” At one point we even found ourselves racing alongside a tank. Dad tried to outrun the tank, getting this childish look in his eye, but the military ordnance won.

  Sandy was sitting in back hugging her knees and sobbing.

  “What’s gotten into her?” asked Laura. “I mean, I understand being upset, but she’s fallen to pieces.”

  “Especially for a teacher,” said Karen.

  “I don’t know,” I said.

  “Let’s ask her,” said Mom, moving to the back. She was jolted around during some of Dad’s fancy driving.

  “Sandy, what’s wrong?” said Mom. “Anything we can do to help?”

  “No, just leave me alone!”

  She fell to more hysterical sobs.

  “Everyone,” said Grandpa, “I think something’s not right with the blond. Maybe she got bit. We should toss her out.”

  She became more hysterical.

  “Don’t be so insensitive,” said Mom.

  “I’m only trying to help. In this epidemic we can’t afford to take risks.”

  “Shut up!” sobbed Sandy.

  “Were you bit?” said Grandpa.

  “No!”

  “Leave her alone.”

  Bwah! “It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault.”

  “There there, dear,” said Mom. “Of course it isn’t.”

  “I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know this was going to happen.”

  Mom gave her a tissue. She blew her nose.

  “What was going to happen?”

  “All of this!”

  “I don’t think I follow.”

  “Well, it started with that guy Murderface…”

  She told her side of the story. We listened with rapt attention.

  HER SIDE OF THE STORY

  Sandy met Kirk at a bar. They fell to talking while waiting for drinks. They seemingly had nothing in common (they didn’t), and she didn’t know he was the leader of a vicious motorcycle gang. She liked his tough guy demeanor (she had a weakness), she just didn’t realize it was for real (in a fake way). They dated for a few months. She liked his rough edge and the fact that he owned a motorcycle. It was a dream of hers to be able to ride around on a hog. It made her so happy. Unfortunately he wasn’t the best boyfriend. He frequently blew her off or made plans to do other things when she was free or had already set aside plans to make some with him. At first she took it as nothing. Then it’s meaning dawned on her. When he was strapped for cash, she loaned him some. And when that ran out (she couldn’t afford to pimp out his ride anymore), he suggested something else, something that didn’t sit well with her and shouldn’t have.

  He thought it was funny she worked at a Hebrew school, always did. She only thought he thought this because it was kind of a weird job to have. She was just doing it until she saved the money to complete her master’s program in Theatre. She never realized that when he joked about her job he was actually serious.

  The final time he asked for a loan from her she refused him because he hadn’t paid her back for any of the previous loans.

  “What did you do with what I already gave you?” she said.

  “It ran out. Funny that.”

  “Jeez, Kirk. How much do you need?”

  “No. Not like that. Not this time.”

  “What?”

  “At the school. The Heeechbrew school.”

  “I don’t follow.”

  “We should rob the place.”

  “Are you crazy?”

  “How should I answer that? Let me see: You’re sucking my rod, and I’ve got STDs.”

  She ended the relationship then and there. It was the beginning of her trouble. The gang dragged her problems straight to the Hebrew school doors. They started blackmailing her, threatening to do damage to the synag
ogue.

  At first she paid them off. Then she stopped. She couldn’t afford it, and they wouldn’t go away.

  If it wasn’t for them, the rabbi would have never tried to bring a golem to life, and then none of this ever would have happened.

  “There there,” said Mom, “how could you have known?”

  She sobbed.

  “Aie yi yi,” said Grandpa.

  WINNEBAGO BLUES

  “Stop!” shouted Col. Elkins, but it was too late, Dad had already found his inner Mario Andretti. Unfortunately he was not driving a hummer.

  A phalanx of zombies shuffled before us. Dad decided to go through them, over them, whatever it took. He hit them with a dull thud or maybe many dull thuds and then all of a sudden the van came to a stop and soon there were so many zombies on us that the Winnebago turned over on its side.

  Along with everyone else, I fell and hit my head against something. When I realized what had happened, we were all struggling to get ourselves upright in a sideways vehicle.

  “Oh my god!” shouted Mom

  “Is everyone okay?” said Dad.

  “Just feeling a little tumble dried,” I said.

  “What were you thinking, man?” said Elkins.

  “I wasn’t,” said Dad. “I don’t have training for this. Son, can you and Sandy reach the back door?”

  I raced over there on hands and knees.

  The zombies were in front and on the sides, but they hadn’t made their way to the back. With some help from Karen and Laura, I was able to get the back door open. “Okay, we got it,” I called out, and we all started to pour out the back.

  Sandy was hysterical.

  “You need to be quiet,” said Mom.

  She whined even louder. The zombies took notice.

  “Shut up!”

  She stopped, started to sniffle, and hiccoughed loudly.

  When we were all out of the Winnebago I realized what she was so hysterical about.

  SANDY GETS HERS

  Murderface was stumbling around in front of us. He had giant gunk coming out of his nose and mouth. He reeked of methane and decaying flesh. He also had a bone sticking out of his kneecap, which was causing him to shuffle with a hitch.

  Sandy screamed and went running up to him, pleading for him to leave them alone. She meant it too.

  “Please, Kirk, don’t do this.”

  He kind of gave this grim smile, and then it was clear he was no longer the same. He reached forward and buried his head in her shoulder. He munched on her till she collapsed to the ground and he went down with her and kept chewing.

  Mom looked away in horror.

  It was gruesome.

  But then shortly Sandy sat back up… her arms rising in front of her while still seated on the ground…

  “Come on, we need to get out of here,” said Col. Elkins.

  He started firing his gun into the zombie fracas. He used up an entire clip, and then he threw the gun at one of them in frustration.

  We began to run.

  THE LAST STAND OR FINAL KADDISH TO KEEP THAT HEBREW THEME GOING

  We were all tired.

  We had run, walked, jogged, crawled and gone for as long as we could.

  Then we had seen the house, behind the trees. It was a small place, with a short driveway. No neighbors. Very quiet. It was perfect.

  We were going to make our stand there.

  We hurried.

  Col. Elkins gave the front door several kicks and burst it open. We went inside. Whoever had lived in this little house had fled. The living room was dark and had old oak furniture inside. There was even a deer head on the wall above the television set. Scary.

  In the kitchen there was a table for two. There were no photos on the desks or walls, just a few decorative paintings.

  “Nu?” said Grandpa, using the Yiddish word for well.

  “I don’t know, Pops. This could be it.”

  “I get to see Esther soon then.”

  His enthusiasm for dying wasn’t exactly making us feel safe. It would only be a matter of time before the zombies found us.

  Laura took my hand, helping me to relax. Karen simpered, also trying to cheer me up. Mom and Dad nodded to us.

  Col. Elkins wouldn’t waver though. He wasn’t as shaken up as the rest of us. In fact, I thought he was starting to get a little overzealous about battling the zombies.

  “That’s it, this is war. It’s time to call in the big guns. I will not rest until everything is ended.”

  “What are you talking about?” said Mom.

  “Fire-bombing, ma’am. It’s the only way. The whole town has to go. This way is better. We can’t be called into question for persecuting someone’s religion either since the whole town will have to go. Rather convenient, that.”

  “That’s ridiculous. Along with everyone in it?”

  “Yes, it’s what’s best.”

  “Are you insane?”

  “Take that suggestion out of the suggestion box and burn it.”

  “What else would you have us do?”

  “You’ll kill all of us.”

  “We make the greatest sacrifice and die for our country as heroes. It’s why I enlisted.”

  “I don’t suppose we can lock him up in the basement?” said Grandpa.

  “Pops, that’s the most sane thing you’ve said all day.”

  WE LOCK THE COLONEL IN THE BASEMENT

  We took Grandpa’s advice.

  This was not easy. It took a family effort. Mom moved forward on Col. Elkins waving a rolling pin she found in the kitchen in his face. Dad backed her up with a four-iron. Grandpa and the rest of us blocked his path, so he couldn’t escape.

  Luckily he was not a young man. He backed his way into the basement, and then we bolted the door behind him. Dad put a chair down in front of the door for good measure, and wrestled the back of it under the door knob.

  Col. Elkins shouted his fair share of epithets.

  “You can’t do this! The United States government will not allow it! You are breaking the law! I am an officer of the government!”

  “Put a sock in it!” shouted Grandpa with his hands over his ears. “I can’t here myself think. And at my age I can’t afford to lose the thoughts I have. They are fleeting.”

  We were all surprised by that one, including the colonel. Laura and Karen and I laughed. It was the only time we had found time to enjoy a brief moment of humor since the whole ordeal started.

  Now without the colonel’s support, we had to come up with a plan to survive.

  I TRY TO GET IT ON WITH MY CLASSMATE

  The sun was going down. So far so good. No zombies of which to speak of. Mom and Dad and Grandpa were discussing what to do at the kitchen table to whoever’s house this was. Grown ups making plans. Somewhere in the background Col. Elkins was shouting, unwilling to back down or to remain silent.

  At this time Laura and Karen were alone with me. We were over in the alcove which was just up some stairs. You could see down into the kitchen, but couldn’t necessarily hear what was being discussed.

  We were having our own discussion.

  “Do you think we’re going to make it?” asked Laura.

  “Truthfully, I don’t know,” I said. “I’ll be damned if I’m going to go like this, but I may just be damned.”

  “Way to make us all feel safe, bro.”

  “Karen, what do you want me to do? We’re all scared, aren’t we?”

  Karen nodded, contrite.

  “I’m sorry, Marc. I know today was supposed to be special.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Just another day in the life. Why is it so hard to be Jewish? It’s hard enough to fit in. It’s hard enough to have a ceremony like that and be embarrassed, but now that all seems so silly and embarrassing by comparison.”

  “It’ll be okay,” said Karen, patting me on the back of the arm. “I’m going to go downstairs and check on the folks. Give you two some time to chat.”

  She walked downstairs.<
br />
  Laura and I shared a shy glance.

  “So I bet you’d never thought you’d have a boyfriend for a few hours?”

  She smiled. “No, not today.”

  I reached out to her and touched her hair.

  “Ha, ha,” I said, “I’ve never done that to a girl before.”

  She leaned in. I leaned in.

  We bumped heads.

  Then kissed.

  COL. ELKINS COMPLAINS BEHIND A DOOR

  The kiss was sloppy and fun with a little nervousness behind it on both our parts. But it was short lived. When our heads were about to meet for another mashing of lips, Mom screamed up to us to come down and check on the Col. Elkins. While we did this, they were going to work on trying to board the place up.

  We went downstairs to the basement to talk to the colonel. We stopped at the door.

  “Whose there?” he shouted.

  “It’s us,” said Laura.

  “Who the heck is us?”

  “Marc and Laura,” I said.

  “Get me out of here!”

  “Look, we don’t like this any more than you do, but what you are planning on doing is wrong. You can’t quit on the human race. You have to give everyone a chance to survive.”

  “I’m in the military, are you? Your job is just to be a kid , not to protect the citizens of this country. I have years of training, years of psychological counseling and leadership skills, all of which you or your family does not possess. Yes, I am a man of action, but this catastrophe requires action to meet action.”

  “Well, maybe violence isn’t always the answer,” I said.

  “Oh great, a peacenik. Just great. We’re in the middle of Armageddon and I’m overtaken by a bunch of peace-loving folks that don’t care.”